to whine and feel sorry for myself for a minute. Just for a minute. Then I’ll get back to Holiday fun and snow play, I promise.
My work situation has recently progressed from bad to worse. Between work being outsourced to India and dealing with impossible project managers, I’m ready to tear my hair out. And I’m wondering… for, ohhh, the billionth time… why I do what I do in the first place. There’s not much about the job that I enjoy. I hate working from home. I have horrible time management skills and deadlines stress me out beyond belief. The lack of communication from my clients is beyond frustrating; I’m always playing a guessing game, and I’m not very good at it sometimes! Although the money CAN be good, even very good at times, it’s never anything steady that I can count on regularly.
I’m grateful that I had this job as long as I did because it allowed me to stay home with my kids. For that I’ll be forever grateful. But my kids are both in school now… so even that aspect of the job is not so attractive at the moment. In fact, being home for 10 years has turned me into a bit of an anxious hermit, and I really don’t like that about myself right now.
So, it seems the obvious answer is that I need to finally take that step and get out of the house… close the door once and for all on my freelancing gig and get on with my life. The thought of doing that actually fills my heart (and mind) with joy! But then reality hits me and I think, “where in the world do I begin??” The job that I’ve been doing for 11 years is not very marketable, I’m afraid. And it’s all I’ve ever done. So I really feel like I’m starting at square one… at almost-34 years old… and I have no clue what to do now.
I’m sure I’m not the only mom who’s found herself in this position. It must be quite common when the kids grow up and the SAHM looks in the mirror and thinks, “who am I and what do I want to be now that my kids and I are grown up??” And, somehow, I doubt that there’s ever an easy answer to that question.
Today, I decided to take a break from worrying about it. I was going to throw myself into cleaning my house, listening to Christmas carols, and preparing for a fun Christmas with my family. And, while I was cleaning at one point, I glanced out the window and found my kids rolling around in the snow. It brought a smile to my face, and I tried to remind myself that I have a lot to be grateful for this holiday season… that I shouldn’t allow myself to be consumed with this depressing work predicament. And I’m trying. But it’s not easy.