Change

Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change,
but pretty soon…everything’s different.
–Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes

————————————————————-

Exactly two years ago, I posted this.

Nick had just started driving over the road. I became a single mother in the blink of an eye, dealing with two kids who missed their dad as much as I did… taking on full responsibilities of a house and two dogs and all of the day-to-day things that can make a person a bit crazy. I thought I could handle it… that we could all adjust to this new way of life. I suppose, in a way, we did.

I spent the next several months learning how to live life without Nick by my side every day. In some ways, it was good for me. I had to become a little more organized and a little more involved with the kids… because I was all they had. We added more structure and routine to our daily lives and counted the days ’til Daddy would make it home for a 48-hour visit.

But I also spent a lot of time trying to escape. Whenever I could talk my mom into babysitting for an evening, I was out the door. Drunken karaoke nights at the bar with a group of friends 10 years my junior… that’s what I looked forward to. I left the house and suddenly I wasn’t a wife and mother with responsibilities and promises to keep. I told a friend of mine that I felt “alive again,” more alive than I’d felt in years.

Looking back, I now realize how untrue that statement was. I wasn’t alive. I was escaping into a world that I had no business being a part of… doing things that a mother and wife has no business doing. I can’t make excuses for that time in my life… and I don’t exactly regret it because I learned a lot about myself. I know I wouldn’t be who I am today had I not been in that place two years ago.

Nick was on the road for about 5 months. The longest 5 months of my life. Maybe the hardest 5 months of my life.

But the 19 months since then? They’ve been some of the best months of my life, without a doubt.

Tonight, I won’t be posting a blog about missing my husband. He’ll be home from work any minute now. We’ll have dinner and go to Damon’s baseball practice… together. He’ll get the kids bathed and tucked into bed tonight while I veg in front of the television. And he’ll be in the bed next to me tonight when I say “goodnight.”

I won’t spend the next several months escaping into a world where I don’t belong. For maybe the first time ever, I’m perfectly content right where I am.

What a difference two years makes.

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2 Responses to Change

  1. Catherine says:

    I read this via Weekly Geeks, and I want to say that it really inspired me. You not only matured over the past two years, but you wrote about it, without being afraid to expose your vulnerability, with honesty. Hats off to you.

  2. Hat’s off to you Erin …. keep these thoughts alive when you need … it’s GOOD to be at a happy point in our lives and KNOW it! 🙂 🙂

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