I’ve decided I really, really hate dog movies.
Nothing is more upsetting than a dog “survival” movie. The movie Eight Below made me cry like no movie has ever made a person cry… it was worse than the Titanic cry… worse than the Steel Magnolias cry… worse than The Notebook cry. The Eight Below cry was ugly and snotty and LOUD.
And I’ve seen this God-awful movie several times. I think I even tortured myself and watched it twice in a row the first time I watched it (I think I can blame my kids for that… you know how kids love to watch the same movie over and over and over…). But it doesn’t matter how many times I watch cutie-pie Paul Walker and his team of gorgeous snow dogs. It doesn’t matter that I KNOW who lives and dies. It doesn’t matter that I know the ending will be semi-happy and satisfying. I STILL cry the ugly cry every time I see it. I challenge you to watch Eight Below and NOT cry. I don’t think it can be done. And if you CAN watch Eight Below and not shed a tear, then I’m convinced you have not one ounce of humanity and you probably eat puppies for breakfast… maybe, in that case, the dogs of Eight Below wouldn’t evoke tears. Maybe.
Last weekend, the kids and I were especially lazy. We sat around all weekend and rented movies from On Demand… and watched them over and over and over again, of course. Bolt was a hit. We all enjoyed Bolt. And, well, that’s one dog movie that didn’t start my waterworks… maybe animated movies don’t have that effect?
But, then, Damon decided we had to rent Marley and Me. It seemed like a good idea at the time… for all of us to sit around and watch that funny dog movie. We’ve all seen the previews, right? The dog hangs out of the car and walks alongside the car… the dog busts through the screen door… the dog gets kicked out of obedience class. Ha, ha, ha, funny stuff. Sure, Damon, let’s rent that movie and enjoy a few laughs.
Oh, but wait. All of that funny dog stuff? That was the first 5 minutes of the movie. Ha, ha, it was funny. And then it stopped being funny. It stopped being funny in a BIG way. Then, suddenly, it was all about postpartum depression and poor schmucks who think they’re ready to be parents and then realize that it’s wayyyyy harder than they thought it would be (duhhh, I could’ve told them that!)… but for some reason they can’t figure out how to STOP making babies. And, suddenly, the dog isn’t such a huge part of the movie anymore. Oh, until he gets sick and DIES at the end. Then, suddenly, it’s as if Marley has been the biggest part of the story (even though he totally wasn’t… not by a longshot). But, he was a “constant” in the poor schmucks’ lives, I guess… and it’s always sad when a dog gets sick and dies. Even moreso when you have to watch a poor schmuck putting his poor dog to sleep. Dear God.
So, you probably already guessed that by the end of Marley and Me, I was crying the ugly dog movie cry. Even poor Damon was crying, and I don’t think Damon’s ever cried at a movie before (major milestone there!). And I was hugging my Comet and vowing to cherish every minute with him for the next 10-15 years… and dreading the day that will inevitably come when Comet will be old and sick and dying and Nick will have to bury him in the backyard. Wahhhhhhh!
So, if you’re thinking maybe you’ll rent Marley and Me, a funny dog movie, this weekend for a few laughs? Don’t do it.
Don’t. Do. It.
I’ve decided that I’m never watching a dog movie again… unless it’s animated. Then, I’ll think about it.