I’m a bad, bad mom

Bear with me today while I whine about feeling like the worst mother on the planet. Well, maybe not the worst… I don’t beat my children or lock them in closets (although that is sounding appealing at the moment) and they’re well fed, Lord knows.

But it’s been an insane week for me work-wise. I really feel like I’m a mere two steps away from the edge of a cliff called Sanity right now. I have two clients screaming at me (simultaneously) about work that isn’t being done fast enough… and it’s all I can do to keep my professional wits about me enough not to scream right back that I’m doing the best I can, DAMN IT! (I think I’d actually feel much better if I could scream that, but so far, I’ve resisted… probably a good thing).

And with the ten tons of ice and snow that have been falling on my mountain this week, my kids have been home from school every day, of course. So, while my clients are screaming at me, my children are also screaming and whining and demanding… and demanding some more.

Every time I have to tell Avery, “no, I can’t play Scrabble, Jr. with you right now” or “no, you can’t play computer games on Mommy’s computer right now” or “no, I can’t take a break from work to play right now,” I feel another piece of the mommy-guilt pie fall into place. I actually snapped at the child a little bit ago because she dared to ask me to help her open a package of bologna. Bologna. And I snapped at her. What kind of mother yells at her kid because she wants a slice of bologna?? Not a very good one, I’m sure.

Then, as I was grumbling and opening the bologna, and listening to Avery whine because she’s not allowed to play computer games on my computer, I snapped at her that she really needs to find SOMETHING to entertain herself with this afternoon. Bad, bad Mommy.

I keep promising my kids that “later” I’ll be able to play games and spend quality time with them… later, when I’m halfway caught up with work and can think straight. After a week of those types of promises, I’m wondering if “later” will ever get here. I’m sure they’re rolling their eyes and wondering the same thing.

Being a mom is hard. Being a working mom is harder. And I’m fully convinced that being a work-at-home mom is the hardest. I hope and pray that Damon and Avery won’t end up in therapy ten years from now because their mother had to work. For the past 8 years, I’ve felt blessed that I have the opportunity to work from home and still be here to see my kids take their first steps, to comfort them when they’re not feeling well, and to just BE here for/with them. But today, I don’t feel like I’m succeeding in being here “with” and/or “for” them… today, I feel like a really rotten mom. (And now I’m only one step away from the edge of that cliff…)

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3 Responses to I’m a bad, bad mom

  1. Bridget =) says:

    erin i have those same emotions, and moments too! life just ain’t like it was when mom got to stay home and “just” run things… now we have to do it all, and we have to do it well… when i’m having a REALLY bad day, i play that Pink song “Don’t let me get me” – and sing LOUD!!! hang in there!!! XOXOXOXO

  2. Trish says:

    {{HUGS}} I know how hard it has been for you lately and I just wish i lived closer to be able to help out. This to shall pass. And you will be your old self again.

    Remember family comes first, work can take a side seat to family any day. Take a breather for about 2 hours and play with your kids! Screw everything else! Muah!

  3. Penny says:

    Hang in there Erin, you’re not alone and you’re not a bad mother.
    Reagan hears all the time “In a minute” or “Later” I feel bad but then at the same time know that without my income my kids wouldn’t get the new clothes they need when they outgrow what they have, they wouldn’t get anything for Birthdays or Christmas and right now Victoria wouldn’t be getting the P/T that she needs.
    It’s been rougher for you w/out the kids in school, you’re only one person and you can only do so much, the kids are old enough that they can entertain themselves for a while.
    Maybe give yourself 15 mins an hour to play a game w/ the kids, that way you’ll get a break from the books and the guilt will be lifted.
    Hang in there, this too shall pass.
    As you have heard me say so many times, the definition of a good mother is a mother who worries that she is a bad mother, a bad mother wouldn’t care.

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