1. Buy the South Beach Diet book; look at it on the bookshelf for a few months; finally decide to go for it… Check.
2. Enlist your hubby to join you in dieting Hell… Check.
3. Look over the first week’s menu and create a grocery list a mile long… Check.
4. Spend an insane (I mean INSANE) amount of money on a bunch of lettuce and fish… Check.
5. Have a panic attack on the way home from the grocery store because you can’t believe you spent that much money on lettuce and fish and Laughing Cow cheese… Check.
6. Clean out the refrigerator and cry as you replace your favorite mayo (chock full o’ fat) with Light Mayo; a gallon of yummy whole milk with skim milk; your container of sugar with Splenda packets; bagels with Boston lettuce (?!?!)… the list goes on and on… Check.
7. Eat something sinful that you know will be forbidden when you wake up in the morning (in my case, Martha White strawberry cheesecake muffins, yummmm)… Check.
8. Make a batch of veggie quiche things that are on the menu for tomorrow’s breakfast… then laugh hysterically as your husband looks at his portion of that breakfast and says, “This is like… two BITES of food!”… Check.
9. Drink as much Wild Cherry Pepsi as you can in one evening (oh, how I will miss Wild Cherry Pepsi… and Dr. Pepper… and Mountain Dew, etc.)… Check.
10. Drink just one more glass of Wild Cherry Pepsi… then get ready for bed, where you know you’ll dream of all things starchy and sugary. Oh, and pray to God for the willpower to make it through the next 14 days… Check.
(Note: There’s bound to be lots of moaning and groaning about this Godforsaken diet in the days and weeks to come… you can’t say I didn’t warn you!)